The Downside of Resilience

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the words resilient and resiliency. We hear the terms used with respect to individuals, teams, organizations, cities, towns, countries, cultures and so on. According to Oxford Languages, resilient means ‘able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.’ Resiliency is ‘the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.’ If you search the words you can find lists referring to the characteristics, skills and examples of resilience and resiliency. 

There’s no question that when times are tough and things go off the rails, we all need to be able to find a way to deal with the ‘thing’ in front of us.

But what unintended impact does the expectation of being resilient or resilience have when individually or collectively, we cannot quickly recover from difficulty or demonstrate the toughness required to ‘get through it?’ Indeed, most of what happens in life cannot be controlled. One can only control one’s response to what happens. Sometimes that is easier said than done. 

What happens to people working in an environment that expects resiliency and, for whatever reason, they just don’t have it? Does talking about the group’s resilience make it easier or harder to ask for help … to stick one’s hand up and say, “I can’t right now. I need help.”?

How we think about and what we expect of ‘resilience’ matters. 

Some individuals interviewed for this article struggle with the word and what it implies. It shuts them down. The expectation of buoyancy, rising above it, and pulling together is more than can be managed. Their words were about survival, isolation, fear, and the need to stay quiet. People feel the pressure to keep going beyond their ability to do so. There are often feelings of desperation. And there can be guilt, the guilt that arises when one feels like they cannot hold up their end of the expectation to be resilient yet can’t ask for help. False guilt can be seriously detrimental to one’s general and mental health.

It can be tough to talk about the need for help. Differences in perspectives, beliefs and deeply-held values often get in the way. So does the expectations of the people around you. And, when people do not feel confident in their ability to express what they need, especially in the face of shared difficult times, their suffering can go on in silence.

The implied expectation of resiliency can make it unsafe to step into vulnerability and express an invisible need. 

It seems the bottom line of resilience is self-management. It’s not a personality trait. It’s not about intellect. It’s about emotional and social intelligence and knowing oneself well enough to settle mind, body and soul. To be in the moment and respond in a way that generates the energy required to withstand or recover. It takes skill. None of us is born with self-management skills. We develop them as we grow. It’s easier to grow self-management skills when exposed to healthy and empowering environments where self-regulation is valued and modelled. Even then, it takes self-awareness, desire and the know-how to develop the skills and mental resourcefulness required for resilience. And, there will be times when even the most self-aware and skilled in self-management will need help to find their way through the conditions they face.  

In a way, talking about resilience can create a conundrum for leaders. Complex, chaotic, and difficult situations require clear direction, coming together and aligning to address the challenge. So many factors influence how individuals respond when things fall off the rails and something unexpected emerges. Factors such as general health and wellness, overall mental health, emotional and social intelligence, life experiences, roles and responsibilities, and competing challenges affect one’s response. The longer the challenge goes on, as for health care workers during the pandemic, fatigue sets in and even those who coped admirably early in the going can get really tired and burn out. Talking about resilience in these long-haul situations can be positive or negative. When people are struggling to go to work, crying in the parking lot and throwing up in the garbage can beneath the desk, it’s tough to be reminded of the need to be resilient. 

For some leaders it might be easier to self-manage when things are running smoothly. Self-aware leaders demonstrate their leadership and resiliency by how they respond emotionally and socially when they need to step up and lead others. They take responsibility for themselves and pay attention to how those around them react to the situation. They ask questions without judgement, gather information to help decide the way forward and inspire others to act. They check-in. There’s an understanding that some will fare better than others in addressing the challenge. And, they also understand that just because someone is okay one day doesn’t mean they will be fine the next. They make it easy for people to ask for help. They also know when they need to reach for help themselves. 

It’s a different story when leaders are not self-aware. Their ability to support others who are struggling might be compromised by their inability to understand, lead and deliver what is needed. The default is micromanagement and control. When this happens, people do not want to hear about resilience. They move into survival mode. 

The lived culture of an organization makes a difference for people too. Regardless of stated values, what people feel in and about the workplace affects their ability to pull together and support one another when the going gets tough. What behaviour is modelled, celebrated and rewarded? How does the overall environment, from macro and micro perspectives, impact someone’s ability to self-regulate? It becomes challenging to manage if one is worn out from trying to keep it all together in an environment where the organizational systems are contrary to psychological safety. What mechanisms are in place to enable people to support others and be supported as necessary? 

So, here are questions to ponder when faced with challenging situations that will require living in the muck of it for a while. 

From an organizational perspective:

1. What do our actions say about what we believe in and what matters?
2. What work is being done at systems, leadership and individual levels to ensure psychological safety in the workplace?
3. How are we discussing and modelling the importance of mental health, including avoiding burnout? 
4. What evidence would signal to visitors that we really care for and about one another?

As the leader:

1. What does my behaviour communicate about my self-awareness and ability to manage myself in challenging situations? 
2. What language might I use that would best serve all team members as I communicate the need to find our way through the situation in the best way we can? 
3.  What can I do to make it okay for people who need help to ask for it? 
4. What mechanisms and supports are in place to enable people to access what they need
5. Who can help and support me as I lead the team through the challenge? 
6. Who can I rely on to provide me with honest and transparent feedback about how I am leading and impacting others as we respond to the challenge in front of us?

As the individual:

1. What do I need to do to stay healthy and protect my mental health?
2. Who can I count on as my partner so we can look out for one another? 
3. What will be the early signs I need to shift how I care for myself?
4. What am I prepared to do when I need to ask for help?
5. What resources are available to me?
6. What promise can I make to myself and keep that will help me withstand or recover from the challenging situation?

To state with confidence, ‘” We are resilient and will get through this,” requires more than individual coping skills. Maybe it starts with creating the discipline to focus on continuous growth and self-development at all levels: the individual, team, leader, and organization….. building skills and creating an environment where people feel empowered to ask for what they need. Resiliency shows up when everyone is in it together, caring for and actively supporting one another. 

Thank you to those who talked with me about this.